“This question expanded my view of the world and literally changed my life. I was not so stuck anymore. And I realized that I had been so focused on the problem that I had been unable to see anything else.” – blog author Matthew McEwan
Asking and answering questions such as “What would happen if…?” are a powerful means to insights for better understanding ourselves, Once we do, we have begun the first step of changing, whether that is changing ourselves, our circumstances or our life. While it is a very important step, it is only the first half – the words. The second half is action – walking the talk – acting upon the words. It is this part, the acting upon words, that I’ve found much more difficult. It requires fierce resolve, commitment, persistence, willingness to fail, get up and start over again, over and over again.
Recent events in my life have shown me there is a gap between the words and being able to act upon the words. This gap is the space between the trapeze bars of what was and what will be. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how much we wish to sail effortlessly through the air to catch the trapeze bar to the next swing of life, we are unable to do so. Rather, we find ourselves lacking the strength, the will, the desire, to go there even though we know we must move on. Sometimes we must allow ourselves to free-fall through the air, not really caring whether there will be a net to catch us or not. Subsequently, the question that sprung to mind as I read Matthew McEwan‘s blog was “what would happen if I did nothing rather than something?” What if I didn’t rush to replace the lack of purpose I feel, now that I am no longer filling each day with the divine purpose of caring for my ailing dying beloved Mother?
I feel an anxious urgency that I should be moving forward with my life, doing something, anything, with some new purpose of some type. Alas, I can’t seem to get there. For instance, a priority is finding work, employment to support myself, given I’ve been nearly a year unemployed. I believed that after my mother had passed, I would be jumping at the bit to get a job, However, I find my interest in rejoining the rat race is less than it was before to being non-existent. The beauracracy of the world, the hustle and bustle, the political wranglings inherient in organizations, particularly for-profit ones, holds no meaning for me. It seems senseless work for no purpose other than the need for an income to pay for food and shelter.
This is the power of the question “what would happen if…?” It reveals to me my emotionally exhausted state from giving every ounce of my strength, love and will for the care of my mother during the last 75 days of her life. There is nothing left in me for embarking on whatever is next. There is nothing next to begin….at least not at this specific time and place.
So I ask myself, “what would happen if I did nothing… for now?” I ponder what would happen if I allowed myself to miss the catching the trapeze bar to ‘what’s next’ for my life? What would happen if I simply allowed myself to fall into the net and did not get back up and try again? What would happen if I allowed myself to relax into the safety net that is myself, my inner knowing I will be okay? That it is not only okay, but necessary for me to surrender to ‘what is’, to doing nothing, a respite from doing, from active change at this time. A knowing, faith and trust, in myself and a higher power, that I must first nurture myself , to grieve, rest and recover. I need to surrender to nothingness, to Wei Wu, to have the strength and desire to actively live again, when it is intended I live a purposeful life again. For now my only purpose is to be. When it to be otherwise, I will know because the question “what would happen if….?” will come to me again, demanding to be answered. And I will answer with what I know is intended, suppose to be, then.
just sayin’ 🙂 ❤